lord, take me to the world.

Throughout my three-and-a-half weeks on the other side of the globe, I found myself repeatedly asking God, "Lord, what are you trying to teach me? Why did you send me on this trip? What do you want me to leave having learned?"

And throughout those three-and-a-half weeks on the other side of the globe, I didn't really have an answer. I didn't (and still don't) feel like there was one, single aspect of the country or the culture that impacted me.  I didn't (and still don't) feel like there was one, huge lesson God was trying to teach me.

Upon returning, I'm realizing that maybe there wasn't one thing he was trying to teach me. 

Now, I'm more confident that he used this trip to affirm the things that have been on my heart for quite some time.

So ultimately, this is what I feel like I've come away with:

This is what I have been created for. This life of ministry. This life in the mission field. This is what I'm supposed to do.

For so long, I've felt called to overseas ministry. But having never really been on a missions trip, I was worried that "call" might just be an over-dramaticized excitement for cross-cultural experiences.

In the weeks leading up to my departure, I found myself considering this trip the turning point: what happened on this trip would indicate whether or not this feeling, this call was true. (Perhaps not the most wise thing to do: to base my call to ministry off of one experience. But the Lord works in mysterious ways, right? Just kidding.)

Regardless, I feel like I've returned with the assurance that God has called me to vocational ministry. 

There was no other place I would rather have been than 

asking Byron Borden questions regarding the way we do church, the purpose behind short-term missions, and why he's in Tanzania,

holding those orphaned infants,

listening to my 14-year old rafiki, Immanuel, describe what it's been like to lose both parents,

or sitting and marveling at the way in which God was using Pastor James in Maasai land.

Describing it is difficult. All I can say is that in those moments, I felt like my life meant something.  In those moments, I was participating in and contributing to something greater than myself. In those moments, there was something real, something lasting, something true. 

My love for this God. My heart for his people. My desire to join the work being done to redeem the nations. They all seem to collide here: in ministry and missions.

I have to admit, however, that realizing this and then coming back home has been hard. I now find myself wondering, "If I'm called to ministry there, what do I do here?"

But as someone reminded me at church tonight, God knows me. He sees me. He's placed that desire in me. And he won't forget me. He'll call me back there someday. But until that day, he has a purpose for me, here and now.

I need not forget that.

With all that being said, I know now that I'm called to this. But I'm not sure if he's calling me back to Tanzania. And I'm not sure when he'll choose to send me out.

Nevertheless, my prayer remains: "Lord, take me to the world."