four.

Dear friends,

This email has been a long time coming. I've put it off for a while because, honestly, I don't quite know what to say. I've been back from Africa for almost two weeks now, and I'm still processing through and trying to figure out the purpose for which God sent me on this trip.

First, however, I'll start by telling you about the last few days of our trip. The team spent our last four days on the continent of Africa in Nairobi, Kenya. We stayed at a convent, where some lovely nuns run a retreat center. It was a wonderful place to relax, unwind, and reflect before we all returned to our lives rather busy and hectic lives back home in the States. While we were in Nairobi, however, we also spent some mornings and afternoons working at the Missionaries of Charity - an order of charity homes started by Mother Teresa years ago.

This place really, really impacted me last year. It's a beautiful ministry, and a little slice of heaven in the middle of a rather hell-ish slum. While I loved being back there, it was still really hard for me. This year, we had the opportunity to serve in the disabled childrens' ward, which was heart-wrenching and hopeful, all at the same time. I get so excited just thinking about how awesome it is that these precious children, who were once abandoned, and who are now finally being taken care of and finally being loved. But then I sort of cringe at the fact that so many of them are still in pain and silently suffering. I've never really worked with disabled children, so doing it for the first time was very difficult. The inability to communicate with many of them was one of the hardest parts. It's hard to want to take care of someone but have no idea what they want!

The hardest moment of all for me, however, was dressing the children after their daily baths. During the afternoons, the women bathe the children and set them on a dressing table to be dried and dressed. It's like a loving little assembly line. What immediately struck me when I headed over there was how contorted so many of the children's bodies were. When they're clothed, you can't exactly see what's wrong with them. But when they're not, their twisted legs, hunched backs, and stiff arms are clearly visible. I had to make myself useful though, so I walked up to the table and attempted to work at the pretty stressful job of dressing these sweet children with stiff arms and legs. I was so afraid of stretching an arm too far and hurting them, but one worker kept telling me, "Don't be afraid," and proceeded to pass me more children to dress. So there I was, drying and dressing disabled children after their daily baths, wanting to break down in tears, but feeling pressured to work as fast as I could to move on to the next shivering child. Honestly, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. After one afternoon of doing that, I was completely exhausted - physically and emotionally. But what's crazy is that the women who work there do all that and more, every single day.

That was another thing I was struck by: the women who work there. Both female employees and nuns run the ministry. Last year, I left Nairobi completely in awe of the sisters who work there: they have given up their entire lives to love on people who have been abandoned by their families. But this year, I interacted more with the women who are simply employees there. They're truly unbelievable! Everyday, from the hours of 6:30 AM to 5:00 PM they love, bathe, clean, feed, and play with these children, only to return home and care for their OWN families. And then, they come back and do it all over again the following day. What huge hearts they have! I worked less than a day and a half and was completely exhausted. I don't know how they manage to do this everyday, with families of their own at home to care for as well!

Ultimately, I left the Missionaries of Charity in such perplexity. I was so encouraged by the purpose of the home: to love people who (far too often) go unloved in this world. But I was so heartbroken for the children: why did God create such beautiful children who have to suffer so much? I think it's something I'll never understand...

As for the trip in general, I'm still unsure of what God was trying to teach me. I went in with my own expectations and left with most of those unmet. In their place, I found myself unexpectedly processing and thinking about the overall purpose of missions, the effectiveness of short-term missions, and where my calling fits into all that. So many times, I buy into this perception of missions that says, "I'm going to another country. I'm going to help the people there. And I'm going to change them." But what I've learned is that it doesn't always happen that way, and, even more, perhaps it shouldn't happen that way. On this trip in particular, I often found myself feeling like the team wasn't "doing" enough or that things we were doing didn't have much meaning or purpose. And I got really frustrated.

But as I talked to Byron Borden, the missionary with whose ministry Maranatha High School has partnered, my frustration was eased. He, though frustrated with some of these very same things, still thinks it's worth it. He and I discussed (and concluded) that though we may feel as if we're not "doing" much, coming out is still worth it because we are being changed, and our callings and worldviews are being shaped. Though what we see may not be what we expected, it is still good and still able to be used by God. One thing that I liked most about what he said was that perhaps this perception of "going and doing" needs to be shifted. Perhaps short-term missions should be re-named or somehow re-cast to something more along the lines of "going and seeing".

Ultimately, I'm reminded that it's never me who does the work, but my God who is so powerful and incomprehensible. And it's there that I'm choosing to rest, while being thankful that despite my many inadequacies, he is choosing to let me be a part of furthering his kingdom!

Thank you all so much for your prayerful support. What a blessing the body of Christ is! I'm continually finding myself in awe of the places God is taking and the things he's doing in my life. So thank you for being a part of this journey, which is turning out to be quite wild!

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

May the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;

May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.

Numbers 6:24-26